Self Control

Fight the urge to text him

Fight the pain you feel in your heart

Fight the thoughts about the past

Fight the feelings you are feeling

You can control it, My Love

 

Your fingers will stop typing

Your eyes will stop looking

Your legs will stop going

Your heart will stop aching

Because he is not worthy, My Love

 

Keep walking with your chin high

Look far into the future

Better things are coming soon

Trust the process you are going through

God is there for you, My Love

 

Written by : Puspha Jeyapergasam

27.05.2019

Day 1 – The Process of Healing

I woke up this morning. Eyes still closed. My mind was browsing past memories. How did all these happened? I felt pain in my heart. Time is ticking. I couldn’t wake up. Felt like no energy to go to work.

My second alarm goes off. I forced myself to get up and bathed. Got ready and by 7.30am, I’m ready to leave my house. I did not turn on any songs today nor listen to some motivational talks. Quietly I drove trying to empty my mind. At work, I tried to give full concentration even though I was feeling a little sleepy.

Things was fine. I was caught up with work. Calls coming in, talking to colleagues, moving around from office to office. I told myself I have to keep myself busy. I started to feel more pressure when I’m back home. I ate. I watched my parent’s favourite Tamil drama on TV. Trying to divert my mind. Then I started to look at my phone. I reread my last text messages. I kinda cursed him. For what he had done to me. I thought to myself “how can he do this to me? Knowing my character so well.” Sigh.

I thought to myself maybe I can convince him to change. Maybe he is good at his heart. Maybe situation changed him. Maybe he has hormone problems. Maybe there is a way to change all these. I took my phone, wanting to text him badly. Then I paused.

“You can only change if you yourself wish to change. Others cannot change you. It has to come from within.” I will be wasting my time. I am taking more risk if I go back to this person. Because he is sick in his mind. He is unable to control his senses. “Don’t take a risk, Puspha!” I thought to myself.

I felt that I have to keep my time occupied. With something beneficial. I do not want to go back to this person. I am actually scared after knowing the type of person I had been spending my time with. “Psycho”. I thought that this guy can actually be a psycho. A smart psycho. With brain. He is very calm most of the time. It’s like he plans it well.

Some of the story that he told me I felt that he actually twisted it. To show him as a good person and the other one as bad. I thought if I can just meet one person in his story and find out the truth, then I will know for sure. But then what is the point. There is no law that states one can be punished for cheating a person by faking love. There is no punishment for emotional damage. There is nothing much I can do. I have to forget him. I have to break the habit of needing to text him. I have to be strong. I have to be strong.

Letting go

When you love something, you would want it to be with you. It can be things, people, position, pet, power, etc. As much it feels good to have something we love, that much it hurts when we no longer have it. It hurts when we lose it.

Sometimes we can do something to keep it. Maybe we try to fight over it, manipulate, beg, create rumors, or do whatever it takes to keep it. But sometimes no matter what we do, we cannot keep the things that we love. Yes, it hurts so much! Going through the pain of losing is like hell.

But how long can we hold on it? The time will come when we have to let it go. It hurts to let go but it hurts more if we keep holding on it. For the sake of our own well being, we have to learn to let go. But how to let go?

I believe the time is the best healer. Give time some time to heal us. Try to change the place we are staying or working. Sometimes new environment can help to heal us. Occupy our time fully by being busy. People say an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. We tend to think a lot about the things that we love. Since we are trying to forget it, we have to keep our attention on some other things.

Ignored

I think of you all the time

Wondering what you are doing

In the name of care

I send text messages

Only to be ignored

 

I look at the time

Thinking you might be busy

Maybe driving, maybe working

Maybe out with friends

Time passes with blue tick

 

Every hour I look at my phone

Eagerly to see a response

But there is nothing

I ask again why no reply

Busy working is your reply

 

I wonder why so busy

Is there no break for lunch

Don’t you have time to sleep

I wonder if you ever love me

Because all I see is blue tick

 

Written by : Puspha Jeyapergasam

26.05.2019