Day 1 – The Process of Healing

I woke up this morning. Eyes still closed. My mind was browsing past memories. How did all these happened? I felt pain in my heart. Time is ticking. I couldn’t wake up. Felt like no energy to go to work.

My second alarm goes off. I forced myself to get up and bathed. Got ready and by 7.30am, I’m ready to leave my house. I did not turn on any songs today nor listen to some motivational talks. Quietly I drove trying to empty my mind. At work, I tried to give full concentration even though I was feeling a little sleepy.

Things was fine. I was caught up with work. Calls coming in, talking to colleagues, moving around from office to office. I told myself I have to keep myself busy. I started to feel more pressure when I’m back home. I ate. I watched my parent’s favourite Tamil drama on TV. Trying to divert my mind. Then I started to look at my phone. I reread my last text messages. I kinda cursed him. For what he had done to me. I thought to myself “how can he do this to me? Knowing my character so well.” Sigh.

I thought to myself maybe I can convince him to change. Maybe he is good at his heart. Maybe situation changed him. Maybe he has hormone problems. Maybe there is a way to change all these. I took my phone, wanting to text him badly. Then I paused.

“You can only change if you yourself wish to change. Others cannot change you. It has to come from within.” I will be wasting my time. I am taking more risk if I go back to this person. Because he is sick in his mind. He is unable to control his senses. “Don’t take a risk, Puspha!” I thought to myself.

I felt that I have to keep my time occupied. With something beneficial. I do not want to go back to this person. I am actually scared after knowing the type of person I had been spending my time with. “Psycho”. I thought that this guy can actually be a psycho. A smart psycho. With brain. He is very calm most of the time. It’s like he plans it well.

Some of the story that he told me I felt that he actually twisted it. To show him as a good person and the other one as bad. I thought if I can just meet one person in his story and find out the truth, then I will know for sure. But then what is the point. There is no law that states one can be punished for cheating a person by faking love. There is no punishment for emotional damage. There is nothing much I can do. I have to forget him. I have to break the habit of needing to text him. I have to be strong. I have to be strong.

The Path to Find Love

Lucky are those who have found true love. I think very few who have experienced true love in their life. If you have found it, you are very lucky.

I grew up keeping love at a distance. I felt that love at young age is not necessary. We are supposed to be studying and focus only to our studies. I still remember one of my friend at school once asked me “You don’t like boys, uh? Why are you not talking to them?” I don’t know why I don’t really talk to boys. Maybe I was just shy. Maybe I wanted to avoid people teasing me. Whatever…And I think it is just stupid hormones. Makes you nervous for no reason or makes you quiet. I just don’t know how to deal with my hormones, till today unfortunately.

Being a kid

I was a happy kid playing around with boys when I was just 9-10 years old. My grandmother used to complain that we are going out to play at odd hours to my father. Can you believe we will go to the field to play at 12pm where the heat of the sun will be the hottest? That explained why I was looking so dark during teenage years. (rolling eyes) Luckily my father believed that children should be allowed to play and not controlled at home all the time. So we had all the freedom to play and have fun outside. We used to climb the trees, swinging and then jump from the swing and play to our heart content. But everything started to change one day. I started to feel weird to play with boys and ignored them. And some of my girl friends do not understand what I go through as they haven’t experience hormone changes as I did.

Gosh, if only these hormones never existed. Life would be much easier. But not everyone go through these changes the same way I do. I think I became more quiet and reserved. Some became more daring and started experimenting in a wrong way. But again it is a choice that each one of us make. Whether it is wrong or right, it is a lesson to be learnt.

I wondered if the true love exist! Even it exist, how do you find the one? How do you know if you have found the right one? Will you hear some songs being played at the background like those in the movies? Some say you will just know when you meet the right one…Really? How if you never find the right one?

Being a young adult 

I didn’t really care about all these love stuff as I was focused in so many other things that I felt was much more important to me. When I reached the age of 25, the way I was thinking started to change. That was a turning point. Again I would blame the hormones. I was very confident that I will survive being single, everything is good. I’m not getting married, NOPE…NEVER!! Then there is these thoughts how if I regret being single after I reached 30? Or 40? Yup now I don’t want, I’m still young and active. How if later on, I changed my mind? Where do I find the right person? Does he actually exist? Or maybe I’m just destined to be on my own.

And sometimes situation and people around you influence the way you think. I had one of my friend asked me this question: “When are you going to do all this, when you are already 30? This is the right age to explore!” I was like, you are right! Whatever decision I have taken in my life before, I took it after giving a good thought on it. And I felt that this is the right thing to do. How do I know if I never explore and find out myself? Then the journey began…

I have approached people that I liked whom I think will be suitable for me. I can be daring and upfront in that sense. I don’t think anyone will be able to handle me when I’m just brutally honest. But that’s who I am. Never want to change it. I just love the way I am. I just love the way I think. Then comes again the hormones to influence the way I think.

Falling in love

I met someone that I had strong attraction. I don’t know if it is love, just infatuation, lust or just a lesson. Someone who is very good at mind game and keep you guessing for long time. But how long should you wait? The moment I go away, this person keeps coming closer. The moment I come, he disappears. Without realising what is happening, I slowly started to fall in love. Yes, unfortunately! I was stuck, in a quicksand. The more I tried to release myself, the more I was going underneath! By the time I realised, it was too late to save my heart. With so much of difficulties, I decided I have to move on.

But you know what? It is not that easy to simply move on. Even though the brain is telling you what to do but the heart refused to listen. Through this experience, I learned one thing. How much pain one goes through when dealing with a heartbreak? We always hear stories where people commit suicide because of love. It sounds stupid and immature. But guys, until you go through it, you will never know how it feels. Honestly, I had the thought “it would be good that death comes to me right now so that I can avoid feeling this pain”, then another thought came to me “Are you crazy? You want to be one of those sensational stories who committed suicide? You are not that weak!” I realised in that instance I need help!

How to help yourself during heartbreak

The first thing to do if you are going through heartbreak is to get HELP. What are the symptoms I had to know I need help? I started to skip meals. I don’t want to do anything including going to work. I couldn’t stop thinking where things go wrong. So I decided to call a good friend to get help. Sometimes being in another person’s positive company can help you, at least a little. Then, the thoughts still haunted me when I’m alone again. I can’t always get people to accompany me right! I knew I have to help myself.

So what did I do? I just got into the car. I just drove without any destination in my mind. I remember people mentioning that going for a long drive can help you to feel better. I just follow my intuition. With question in my mind “Why am I going through this?” No answer. “Why didn’t my intuition warn me on this?” No answer. I simply drove. I even thought maybe I should just go back home to my mum, maybe that would feel better.

Suddenly I had a thought that I should go to places that I have been before. Just a memory revisit! Maybe my intuition trying to help me, I guess! I went to the shop that I used to eat often. I went to my previous job office. Well, I always pass by the area but never stopped before. I just sat quietly recalling my memories. Then, drove to my old place that I used to stay. And tadaaa! I felt better. I know that there is nothing I can do to change whatever that has happened. But what is going to happen in the future is still in my hand. I feel it is better to build my life and become someone with value rather than wasting my precious time thinking of someone who bring no value to my life.

Personal realisation

I realised this is an experience for me to understand what people are going through. When my friend used to share with me all these, I used to tell her “you have to be strong, where is your self respect, etc?” But when I was going through what she went through, I was doing the same. I lost my self respect, going too low for someone who doesn’t even deserve anything. It is easier to say than to actually do it. This experience meant to make me even stronger than before.

I don’t know if true love exist still. Those of you who have found your love, congratulations! Those who haven’t and still wondering where is the Prince Charming, I wish you all the best to find the true love. All I want to say is don’t judge people, you don’t know what they are going through until you are in their shoes. Different people have different way of healing themselves. I do it through writing. I just want to feel better. Thank you for reading! 🙂

If you have any interesting tips that can help someone to find their true love or how to come out from heartbreak, please share in the comments below. 🙂

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