I came across the term “twin flame” and found myself obsessing over it. Not only me but many people called their relationship as twin flame and claimed that they are in harmonious relationship with their twin flame. Then I came across one coach who said “twin flame is not a romantic relationship” and I was like “exactly.” What is so romantic wanting someone so badly and all they do is running away from you? The moment you switch your focus to something else or someone else, they reach out to you to further confuse you. The deep longing and yearning are constantly there and there’s nothing you could do rather than sit with the pain.

I kept seeing signs that it is about time and everything would work out. I found myself obsessing over tarot cards and believed I’m seeing it for a reason. But then nothing happens. Puffff…my twin flame is out of sight. I find myself in constant battle with myself. I want it…I don’t want it…I want it…I dont want it. I think the universe is also very confused with me. “What the hell do you want, Pushpa?? Can you stick to one?” If the universe can speak directly to me, I think it would put a scarf on its head and put the hand on its cheek sulking. The truth is my own heart is driving me mad. Why am I obsessed with this one particular man? I don’t want to be obsessed. I feel like to grab the phone and tell him “can you stop pulling me? Can you let me be in peace?” I cannot be feeling all these if he doesnt feel anything. I feel like I’m going crazy and there is no way to prove what I’m feeling is real. People probably will think I’m nuts going crazy over someone who is no where to be found.

Telepathy is real. How many times have you noticed when you were thinking about someone and they suddenly reached out to you? You think about doing something or buying something, and the other person buys that without you having to tell them anything. It happens so naturally. Once, my mother was not feeling well and she was resting in the hall. It was about 6.45pm, and I thought to switch on the light for the prayers room as she would normally on before it gets dark. My father suddenly switched it on before I could do it. I was like “did he pick up on my thoughts? Or we were having the same thoughts at the same time?” Sometimes I would keep having thoughts about someone and then I see them reaching out to me. Some of them, I don’t even want to remember them. I felt like they were remembering me. Recently, I was thinking to reach out to my cousin to ask for something, and she ended up sending it before I could ask for it. How did this happen? How could she know? All of these happened subconsciously. We tend to pick it up without us realising it.

I usually don’t buy biscuits or cake. This month when I went to buy groceries for the month, I just had this “feeling”, I should buy cake. It has been quite some time since I last bought cake. When I came back home, my mum told me “I was thinking to tell you to buy cake, and there you bought it.” How did I know? I just had this feeling or sudden urge to buy it. Now coming back to twin flame obsession. Am I the one who is obsessed or is it my twin? Is my twin making me go crazy and manifesting for me to reach out? I literally had to force myself not to lose in to this urge. I am resisting myself and in constant battle with myself. How do I prove that it’s not me who is obsessing?

I’m the type who speaks my mind. I say things as it is. No sugarcoating. I don’t like wasting time and go straight to the point. My twin knows this very well. He knows very well how I feel. I could sense his feeling but he has trouble expressing himself. Sometimes I would ask myself if I’m making this up in my head. Why do I feel the way I do? Why am I thinking about him if he is not thinking about me? Let’s say it was me who is obsessing over him. Then he would be reminded of me. He would suddenly remember me. What I’m feeling is such a strong feeling, he would definitely feel it. Is he just ignoring it? Is he also resisting the urge just like me? Sometimes I just want to rip my heart out from my body. It’s a painful process.

There are times I just want to block him permanently. I will be so sure about blocking only to find myself unblocking him after few hours. I cannot even sleep peacefully every time I attempt to block him. I am not like this with anybody else. Those who know me very well know that I’m quick to block people. I can keep people away so easily. Once I block, I dont look back. But this one person doesn’t allow me to live in peace.

Energy doesn’t lie, isn’t it? With some people, we just want to stay away. We feel uncomfortable. If a person is not good for us, we will feel it in the energy. Why am I being drawn like crazy to one person? I have tried cord cutting mantra. It doesn’t work. There are days I just wake up and want to find someone else. I want an easier connection. Where do I find an easier connection? I wish I will fall in love all over again. I wish my heart would accept another person. Is it possible?

I remember manifesting a particular company that I want to work in. I didn’t think about how I want to feel in that job. I only focus on the company’s name. When I got it, I wasn’t happy. So I have to think about what do I want to experience in my relationship. What is the point of having someone if they can’t communicate with you? What’s the point of having someone who can’t be there for you in happiness or sadness? At the end of the day, we all want to love someone and loved in return. I know I am enough for myself. I am love. I am happiness. I am abundant. The problem is wanting to experience love from another person.

Probably this is my own ego. Wanting to prove something. Probably the pain that I experience is my own ego crushing down. Probably this is the process to make myself humble.