Ever since I started to be more authentic and learned to choose myself in whatever life presented to me, I realized that one thing kept coming up and I had to make a difficult choice: The choice of saying no to people and making myself and the person involved uncomfortable. How do I set boundaries with people? How do I let people know that I’m uncomfortable with certain things that they do? What happens after I set the boundaries? Can I face them? Will things be as usual? Do I cut them off? What should I do?
Recently, I had a situation where a student kept asking more from me where I ended up feeling uncomfortable. In fact, from the beginning I wasn’t comfortable with this student as there was a manipulative energy. This student kinda tried to squeeze more with lesser fee. I never had any student who did this to me. This student was becoming more and more dependent on me and I felt drained. I ended up spending more time on teaching things that I didn’t even agree. I agreed to help a little with the homework and suddenly I had to help with homework outside of class. I usually will decide what to teach in a class but this student would tell me before class what I was supposed to teach in the class because the homework was about a particular topic.
I didn’t like the energy from the beginning, but I decided to proceed if they agreed with my current fee. But the more I spent my time teaching, I felt more and more uncomfortable. So I ended up trying to find an answer how do I stop this? I didn’t like what I was feeling. After some thoughts, I decided to draw boundary and tell the student that any homework must be solved by own. Of course, the student agreed to that.
Now, how do I stop this for good? I have to let go of this student. I care about my energy when I teach. Do I feel good? Does my student feel good? I feel that I have to stop teaching this student. Why do I feel this way? I don’t know. I can sense energy even though a person is far. Something is making me to feel not good. I don’t know what is it. So I have to stop teaching this student.
This is not the first time I had to face this. Previously I had someone very close to me whom I had to cut off when they were draining my energy too much. Yes, it looked very selfish from outside. But when I was trying to ascend and manifest better things in my life, I felt having certain people who kept draining me will block my path. Their energy was influencing me. Let’s say I have good energy, they come and take my energy away. And I ended up having to build that energy back. So how do I set my boundaries with people? This is so far what I have learnt and currently practicing in my life.
Feel the energy
I feel the energy when someone approaches me the first time. This can be someone I already know. Or a stranger. Usually people approaches me via a text message. Their energy can be felt through the text messages. If I feel off, I don’t respond or block them immediately. There are a lot of scammers lurking around or some guys who are simply texting to chat. If I feel okay to proceed, I proceed. If I don’t feel good, I don’t proceed.
Sometimes people approach me with hidden intention. Or they are told to do that by their upline to get sales. I have been there. I have done that. And it didn’t make me feel good at the end of the day. If someone approaches me suddenly out of nowhere, usually they want something from me. People who are in touch with me from time to time are different. It’s difficult to find someone who is wanting to connect with us genuinely. Sometimes people want to meet or talk to us because they have a problem and they need someone to listen to them. For me, I am usually okay with that only in the initial stage. After some time, I can no longer engage with that because again, I feel drained. If it’s not a genuine connection without expecting something in return from me, I usually avoid such connection. I’m an introverted person. I generally do not need to engage in too much of conversation. So when I do engage, I make sure I genuinely connect with someone.
Over the years, I have learnt to say no. There was a point in my life when I used to do things because I was told to do so and I wanted to be seen as someone who is obedient. I disliked myself when I was doing this. I disliked myself because I couldn’t speak up. I disliked myself because instead of standing up for myself, I kept quiet and cried silently. I was suffering inside and kept doing what I was told to do. I didn’t know how to make decision and how to face the consequences of my action. Initially when I said no, it was really difficult. I had to break the limitation placed on me and come out of it. But as I practiced saying no, it was getting easier. I practiced this at workplace. I drew the line and I kept rules as to what is okay and not okay. So when I didn’t like something, I stopped engaging or removed myself completely from the situation or people.
It comes to a point where I managed to gather enough courage to voice out things that I didn’t like. I learnt to voice out in front of a group of people. For example, I had an ex colleague who was manipulative in nature and a sweet talker. I was manipulated to do certain things at work which I didn’t feel right to do. So, I said no to certain things. At one point, it was too much that I had to voice out in a meeting to tell my boss that I was facing certain issues and I needed help with that. The old me would have just run away from that problem. But I saw myself standing up for myself and still continued to work there. There was attempt to damage my name behind my back but I wasn’t worried at all. You will only feel fear when you are doing something wrong. You will feel courage if you are doing the right thing.
So when I feel something is not right, or I don’t like certain energy, I stop and say no. I no longer want to engage with whatever that I was doing with a person.
Speaking my heart out
I always speak what’s in my heart. I don’t hide it. If people don’t like it, they will naturally go away from me. I want to speak the truth. I want to speak my truth. It feels liberating not having to hide anything. By showing people who I am, or how I am, I can now see who can accept me as I am. I don’t have to fake myself in any way. So when I’m uncomfortable, I tend to say it. When I don’t like something, I say it. I don’t keep anything in my heart. I’m still working on how I say things. Sometimes I just lash out out of anger. I wish I’m more patient. I’m still working on it. So people who know me very well know how I behave. This helps me to keep boundaries with people who are not good for me for my mental health.
Ruining a connection / relationship
I have ruined connection or relationship before. For example, I tend to write my heart out when I want to say something. I’m not good with saying it in words. But I can write it well. So when I have tried to say certain things with my ex, I remember he didn’t like it. He told me straight he didn’t like me writing long text messages. And I kinda felt restricted. I couldn’t say things bottling up in my heart. Of course, he is now my ex. Things didn’t work out. Now when it comes to my twin flame, I have been doing this for years and he’s still there. He has never told me to stop writing all these long text messages. I don’t know whether he reads them or not. Probably he just ignores it. And simply roll his eyes and continue with his work. But he never made me feel that I shouldn’t tell him what I feel.
I tell you I have been really angry in the past and said things I shouldn’t have said out of anger. He never reacted to me angrily. He just left it there. Most of the time he simply ignored me. After a day or two, once I had calmed myself, it was always me who reached out to him and tried to patch things up. And he always responded as if nothing has happened. He talks to me completely normal. He never reminded me how rude I was or harsh I was. I’m not saying I’m proud with how I behaved but it made me realize how patient he is. Maybe he doesn’t like it. Well who will like it, right? But is the relationship ruined? Is the connection ruined? No, it didn’t. It’s still there.
I have done this with very good friend of mine but I now no longer have any connection with my friend. I have severed the relationship by speaking what’s in my heart. In fact, situation exposed the other side of my friend. So when you are being authentic and speaking your truth, not everyone will be right for you. The wrong ones will disappear from your life. I usually will just block people out of my life. Yes, I cut them off. I don’t face them afterwards. Because the energy is draining. It’s heavy and it doesn’t make me feel good.
Will things be back to normal?
At the moment, I don’t think so. Once the connection is broken, it’s difficult to built back the same connection. I would feel very uncomfortable still to meet certain connections that I have severed in the past. There’s still much healing to do. I have forgiven people and don’t keep grudges in my heart. But I didn’t forget what has happened. So many things have impacted me. And yes, I have grown up from those experiences. It made me who I am today.