Today is Mother’s Day. Unlike years before, this year feels a little different. This year I feel pretty emotional for my mum. She is still around me. I can see her still. I can still hear her voice. But suddenly it’s haunting me that the time is getting nearer. There will come a time when I can no longer see her in reality. What will I do then? Even to think about it, it feels like a nightmare.

I remember when I was studying and I was far away from my family, one day I fell ill. I got fever. At that time, I realized that there was nobody to care for me like my mum. There was no one to make a proper porridge for me. There was no one to put ice towel on my forehead. I remember missing her so bad. That happened more than 10 years ago. Today I’m still staying with my parents. I’m a 33 years old woman who is still staying with my parents. I take this as a blessing. This is my blessing to still be around my parents. Some will only come and visit parents once in a while. But I’m with them all the time. Isn’t that a blessing?

Recently I was having some conversations on how some people treat their parents. Some don’t feed their parents properly. Some sent their parents to old age home. Some really take care of their parents eventhough they are bedridden. When I listened to these stories, it reminded me on how my parents treated my grandmother. I have never seen my parents scold or treated my grandmother badly. When I misbehaved or talk rudely to my grandmother, my mum always scolded me. My mum always prepared breakfast and lunch and gave my grandmother to eat. I have never seen her left to starve or without water.

My grandmother stayed with us for quite some time, so I had the opportunity to care for her. From bathing her, putting medicine for her skin problem, feeding her when she was in hospital, and sometimes staying overnight in hospital. I was a teenager back then. Today, I see how my nephew taking care of my mum. He is just 4 years old. He will insist to put her medicine in her mouth. Why do some children treat their parents bad? Why do some children treat their parents very well? In my own experience, I think we learn by watching how our parents treat their parents.

I see how my siblings treat our parents. My sister will insist and buy all kind of food for them. I saw how my brother reacted when my mum went unconscious for few seconds when she had bad reaction to a medicine she was taking. We both went to clinic with my mum. He was really concerned. At that time, I was still cool and collected. I wasn’t worried too much. It took me some time to process it I guess.

Today, I feel super emotional listening to all the mother’s songs in radio. My mum is still around and I find that it’s hard to contain my emotions. I feel I could easily break. Like a balloon filled with water. It would burst with only a pin prick. I have no idea how will I face it when it’s time to let her go. She is worried for me. I could see everytime she prays. I do not want her to be worried. I am learning to let go and let destiny to bring me whatever is worthy for me. My heart is adamant. It wants specific things. I don’t know whether I am a good daughter to my parents. I may not be the best. I believe I am doing the best I could in my own capacity.

I am not good with showing them how much I actually cared. I am not good with verbal communication. I wasn’t raised in that manner. It’s hard to verbalize. I am afraid she would worry to see how much I am actually scared to lose her. How to live in this world without a mother? All I could do is quietly watch her sometimes. I try to capture and remember the moment. I know as time passed, I am slowly running out of time to spend with her. Thank you Amma for being my mum. Thank you for tolerating me all these years. Nobody else has the patience to tolerate me. Thank you for allowing me to simply exist and be myself.