Twin flame journey definitely has taught me to love myself first. Only last year I realized that I actually have a twin flame. I went from wanting external love to complete me to feeling completely in love with myself. Today I can smile from within. I felt at peace. I am still not with my twin, I surrendered to the universe to whatever is for my highest good. While I am still trying to navigate this journey as smooth as possible, my current vibes are attracting other potential men into my life. Everybody else suddenly seems to be interested with me. This is triggering me to get angry at my twin for being stagnant at the same place. The things I wished him to tell me are being told by other men. Why is it so difficult for him to tell me the truth? I don’t understand and wanted to give him time to sort things out by himself. But I don’t want others to approach me. They remind me of what I could have but couldn’t. I could simply accept them, get married and have kids like everybody else and move on. Right? Sometimes I wished to do that, but this seems impossible. I have tried before and failed. I tried again this time. I attempted again to forget and move on from my twin flame. Just another attempt. Do you know how it feels when you try to move on from your twin flame? I’m trying to find the right words to describe it.
I felt very confident and knew for sure this was it! I told myself I will move on. I’m done with this. Every time I attempted to do this was when I was angry or sad. I will literally delete everything even his number. I blocked him and told myself “I’m going to move on!” Every single time I did this, I was not at peace. I felt so bothered and irritated that I take it on people around me. Of course, my first victim will be my mum. I felt like I want to scream my lungs out and I don’t understand why I behave the way I do. I knew this got to do with my twin. I don’t know is it me who is angry and irritated or is it my twin who is feeling this and I am simply feeling the same? The more I try to push him away, the more he is stuck on my mind. I remember him from morning I wake up till at night I sleep. If I’m not doing something, then for sure I am thinking about him. How is this possible to be that obsessive about someone? The problem is I do not want to be obsessive. I want to forget him and move on. Like forever. I had other potential men who approached me, who expressed their intention to marry me, who seemed to be serious. My heart kept rejecting them. To some, I have told them that I’m stuck with someone else like forever, and they still want me. Why do you want someone whose heart is not in their hand? Who cannot give you the love that you are seeking? You will be disappointed at the end. I tried to tell them the truth. I simply cannot accept them. But do they understand? Nope. They always want something they can’t have. Just like me. I want something that I can’t have. My twin flame. So what do I do with these other men who don’t understand? I blocked them. But my twin? It is impossible to block him out. I memorized his phone number for fear I wouldn’t be able to reach out to him again. There was once I deleted his number and I went crazy. He doesn’t have social media, so there is no way for me to contact him again. I managed to get his number through a friend and I memorized it immediately. So in case I act crazy again, at least I remember his number. I know. It’s crazy. Trust me, it’s crazy. Sometimes I ask myself “have I gone mad or something? Things are not making sense.”
I have had crush on people. Usually after few months or years, the feelings will disappear. Sometimes I asked myself how did I have crush on this person? The attraction was gone and I no longer feeling the same. Even with my exes. I don’t feel the same towards them. I did have attachment issue when we broke up. But feelings? No. It was gone. Today I look back and try to feel them. Do I feel anything? I don’t feel anything. Then why don’t I feel the same with my twin? Why do I remember him so much? When I blocked him, I was not at peace at all. It’s like I’m fighting with myself. I wasn’t happy. All the feelings of peace and happiness I had is gone suddenly. I felt deep sorrow. I experience it every time I tried to block him and go away. Then usually within a day or two, I unblock him. It’s just impossible to block him. I have blocked so many people. You wouldn’t believe how many people I have blocked. With everybody else, it’s so easy to block. I wouldn’t even think too much. But when I block him, I am the one who feel suffocated. I would cry to sleep. My heart doesn’t allow me to forget him. Now that I have unblocked him once again, I can now breathe. I feel a little peaceful knowing that he is there. Just a text away. I feel much more calm and peaceful that I have unblocked him. Earlier I was irritated, restless and simply want to scold someone. It’s weird! I have decided to write it down to process what is it that I’m experiencing. Maybe there is someone out there who is experiencing the same with me. Maybe my journey can help them.
I have also noticed that a lot of tarot messages are appearing on my IG and Youtube. I didn’t see that or couldn’t recall seeing that prior. Some of these messages are so accurate that it describes exactly how I am feeling or my current situation with my twin or it tells something that has happened in the past with my twin. Of course another thing that I see on a daily basis is angel numbers. 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 666, 777, 888, and 999 is so common in my life nowadays. These numbers are a sign of awakening. These messages kinda helped me, at the same time, made me go crazy. Some indeed happen and some didn’t. I have to use my intuition to find whether the message is really for me or somebody else. There are many who are tuning in to these messages and who are looking for answers. So these messages are general readings and may not be accurate. Even when we do personal readings, we can see that it is not 100% accurate. So general readings is just a guide. These readings gave me a sense of relief and comfort. But when I was going crazy, I decided I do not want to tune in to these messages again. Because nothing is happening in 3D reality. I was getting frustrated because other people are approaching me, but not my twin flame. I am drawn to these messages. I feel like I have to read these messages because some of these messages really resonates to my situation. How come these messages are appearing out of nowhere? Do you see tarot messages appearing on your IG too?
I tried to do some reading about twin flame. Apparently there are many who falsely claim their relationship as twin flame and they don’t know that they are stuck with a narcissistic partner. Toxic relationship too has push and pull behaviour. There is manipulation, abuse, exploitation and dependency issue in that false twin flame relationship. Obviously I want to know if I am with a false twin flame. How do I know that this is not a false twin flame? These are some of the signs that confirms I do have real twin flame :-
- Love bombing & grooming – he doesn’t do this.
- I can completely tell him what I think & be who I am.
- I feel completely safe with him.
- We both take turn to do the chasing & running away. It’s not one-sided.
- The love I feel is unconditional.
- A lot of healing happens after I meet my twin.
- There is constant telepathy communication.
- Feeling deep compassion & care for humanity
- Becoming more authentic
- There is a calling to do greater things for humanity
I think false twin flame do not do the above. If you are with false twin flame, or we can call them karmic partner, they will push you towards your real twin flame or soulmate. I wasn’t aware of all these terms until last year. I have heard about soulmate since they show in movies. But twin flame was new to me. I didn’t realize the person I was dealing with is my twin flame for years. I know him for more than 5 years now. A normal crush will not last this long. The feeling deepens over time. The funny thing is I don’t even meet him. There is no relationship like everybody else. There is no dating and talking for hours. There is no going out for movies. There is no going out for coffee. There is no buying and exchanging gifts for special day. Forget about expensive gifts. Forget about sex. I told him that I believe sex after marriage and that’s how I have been raised and I tell you he didn’t cross the line. This guy didn’t even lay his finger on me when we were still meeting face to face. We felt strong attraction towards each other that it made us to run away from each other for years. He could have easily manipulated and used me. But he didn’t. I’m talking about a good looking guy who is tall and handsome. He has no tummy and has good dressing style just the way I like it. When I met him, I tried hard to find one thing I didn’t like physically. And there is none. Probably I was bias. You know people say love is blind. How can I be blind after so many years? Every man I meet, I kept looking back to him. If you have read my blog before, you will know I have attracted similar faces like my twin into my life. But they are not him. It doesn’t feel the same. This connection is different. If this is not unconditional love, then what is it called?
You see many relationships today are highly dependent on what can you do for me? What can you provide for me? I will marry you if you have big car or big house or have high position. They say it’s love marriage but then you find them looking for side chick. Is it really love? Of course love alone isn’t sufficient. We require a lot of money to live comfortably. Honestly, sometimes I wished I could just marry someone else and live like everybody else. But my heart is not at peace. Initial stage of our separation, after two years being in sadness, I decided enough of all these suffering and decided to move on and really got myself into relationship. But I wasn’t happy. He kept pulling me energetically. After I ended my relationship and decided I want to be single, he still pulled me. I have gone to hypnotic session to remove him from my subconscious mind. Even recently when I attempted to block him, I tried cord cutting mantra. NOTHING IS WORKING! It’s frustrating and there is nothing that I can do but continue to do self healing and prepare for union.
I think he is the person for me in this life. I don’t know if he feels the same because he never express his feeling, but twin flame mirror each other. If I am feeling certain way, he should be feeling it too. If I reject him, he will reject me. If I accept him, he will accept me. Thinking I have to find a way to manifest it in reality makes me feel at peace. There is no resistance when I think like this. There is huge resistance when I want to walk away. I cannot abandon this connection, even if I want to. There were many people who told me to move on and forget this guy. They don’t understand that I have tried everything possible but I keep failing to do it. If I suddenly lose my memory, then it’s possible not to think of him, I think. So why is it impossible to move on from your twin flame?
It is because twin flame share the same soul. Apparently, twin flame has a mission to accomplish on Earth. Before they incarnate, they split the soul and born as separate twin. Throughout their life, they consciously or unconsciously look for the other half. When they meet, they are supposed to unlearn all the conditioning and break free from who they thought they were. Their beliefs will be shattered and challenged. They have to expand consciously and learn unconditional love for the self and teach others to do the same. They have to face their deepest fear and heal. This healing has to be done separately. The reason why they run away is for them to work on themselves and heal. If they stay together, they might hurt each other. Without healing, they cannot come together. Twin flame pushes you to be your best version. They teach you to focus on yourself. This journey will teach you how to communicate with the Divine. The twin flame must learn to take the power back and let the heart to guide them. They have to learn to come back to their true selves.
Before I meet my twin, I was a completely different person. I was shy and reserved and unable to speak my mind courageously. I was afraid of being judged. Even if I want to say something, I couldn’t say it. My throat chakra was blocked. I was looking for love outside of me. I was begging and chasing people to love me. Internally I knew I shouldn’t do that. But that’s what I did. I lowered my standard to feel accepted and loved. When my twin was running away from me, I felt deep pain in my heart. When he rejected me, I literally felt as if I was dying. My old self was dying. I didn’t understand back then. I had to go through darkness all alone. The pain was unbearable. This had to happen to teach me that I have to love myself first. Do not go after external validation. Do not go after external love.
Today, after many years meeting my twin flame, I definitely feel myself as a completely different person. My throat chakra is on fire. I no longer hold back. I speak from my heart. I want to be as authentic as possible. I no longer entertain fake energies. I feel so much love in my heart for me. Sometimes I just want to hug myself. I have reached a state where I am completely happy and peaceful being on my own. Last time, I used to feel fear. How if I ended up being alone till the end of my life? How if nobody loves me? I used to feel loneliness despite surrounded by a lot of people. Today I feel different. The fear has disappeared. When other men approach me, I get triggered because I haven’t achieve what I want in 3D life with my twin. I want it so badly but I cannot have it unless I worked through my blockage and fear. There is still a lot of healing that needs to be done. I believe my twin is going through his own healing. Probably this is why I cannot move on from my twin. Because this is my life path. I have to do this. As I’m writing this, I feel light in my heart. The heavy energy is gone. I cannot fight this destiny. If I fight, I feel pain. Now as I choose to go with the flow, I feel way more relaxed and at ease.