Be my valentine

(This post was written before Valentine’s Day. Somehow I am only posting it on Valentine’s Day.)

As I was searching for Singapore Tamil song in YouTube, Kina Grannis’s “Valentine” song appeared on my suggested list. “Ahh it’s been such a long time I listened to this song,” I thought to myself and quickly clicked it. I went down my memory lane and I remembered I first saw this song somewhere in 2011. I felt in love with the concept of the music video and her voice. The song shows an animated flip of a boy offering his heart to a girl but the girl will tear his heart and give it back to him, and this will crush him. Again, he will go to that girl with a paint, and paint her a heart. The girl will reject him again by splashing a black paint on the heart he painted. He will walk away looking dejected with his half torn heart, only to be reunited with the girl again with the other half heart at the end. The song ends with “be my Valentine”.

What a timing of listening to this song, isn’t it? It’s February, we will be soon be celebrating Valentine’s Day and this song just popped up on my search list. As much as I would want to be excited about this day, am I really excited about this day? My social media feeds will be soon full of people professing their love to their loved one, and here I am still haven’t found the one who is suitable for me. Well, how can I find one when I chase every single potential guy who is interested with me? šŸ¤£šŸ˜‚ The thing is I’m not genuinely interested with most men. And I can’t lie to myself. I’m not even interested to go out and find one. Then, how on earth will I be excited about Valentine’s Day? Is Valentine’s Day overrated? Are people genuinely celebrating it or doing it for the sake of it? Is there any guarantee if I found my man, then I will receive a flower on Valentine’s Day? I have never seen my father giving flowers to my mum & they are married over 30 years. Is it enough if flowers are given only on this day? How about other days?

In the past, I would think if there is secret admirer who will be sending me bouquet of flowers. But nah, I never received it. I’m a reserved person and don’t simply allow people to approach me easily. Whenever I see a guy has courage to approach me, I’m usually impressed. Because I am aware it is not easy to approach me. With the slightest negative energy, I would usually block them away. So it is no wonder why I never received flowers. Even when I was in relationship, I never received flowers. Does that indicate my worth? A bouquet and some chocolates will determine my worth? No. I don’t think so.

I love flowers. So I like to buy that in a pot. So I can water them and take care of them. Well some of the flower pot that I bought had died. There is only one rose flower pot which I bought and it is abandoned in my house at the moment because of the difficulty to reach the pot due to its current location. But I wish to have flowers around. Sometimes I would think to buy some rose for myself because I love them. But then, looking at the price, I would just drop the idea. I would rather have a rose plant than to buy it every day or week. So do I need someone to buy me a flower? Yes, I would love to. But that has to be out of love, not out of obligation. I don’t like feeling I have to do something for someone because they did something for me. I don’t want to feel obliged. I want to do out of love. For example, maybe randomly I would want to buy something when I’m out for shopping. I don’t want to buy it just because it is a special day. I want everyday to be special. I want to do spontaneously. Because my heart is full.

Sometimes people can have problem financially. Not all the time, people are in good situation. So, I think to expect people to buy expensive gifts is kind of burdening for both parties. If I buy you something nice and expensive, I would expect the same for me, isn’t it? Maybe you are in better position financially and I am not. How would I feel for not being able to return your kind gesture? I would feel pressured to save extra money or probably borrow to impress you again. A single rose wont be enough? Is love about expensive gifts? Talking about single rose, suddenly I remembered a close friend bought me a single rose. We were sitting in a restaurant, and a random seller was selling rose. And she bought one for me. So I can’t say I never received flower. šŸ˜…

In the past, I would give my heart to people only to see them break it. Just like the music video. I was in the boy’s position. I would give my heart sincerely, only to have it broken. I kept giving my heart to the same person only to see it not appreciated. I think I have a good heart. Golden heart, perhaps. I can’t let people break it anymore. So I decided I will take care of my own little precious heart. I want my heart to be full of love and compassion that I can share it with people freely. My heart will belong to me. I want to be full and overflowing with love and joy for myself first, then I can share it with others. I do not want to follow others. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean I have to do the same, isn’t it? Whoever is blessed to receive undivided love from their partner, I’m happy for you. And I wish the same for me. What kind of love am I looking to provide for myself? Writing is a powerful way to manifest something, so here are the kind of love I am looking for myself…

I want a love that will be celebrated everyday.

I want a love that will appreciate me.

I want a love that can be seen by the gaze.

I want a love that never ends.

I want a love beyond any material possession.

I want a love that loves me for who I am.

I want a love that shows people what true love is.

I want a love that makes my heart full.

I want a love that will stand the test of time.

I want a love that grows old with me.

I want a love that allows me to be independent.

I want a love that supports me in my life journey.

I want a love that will be my Valentine.

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