I am not a saint

If you are the conservative type and love to judge people, this post is not for you. I suggest for you to simply skip this post. If you think you are the God’s messenger who is here to save people and to tell people what they do is wrong and what you are doing is right, then this is not for you. This post is for those who are looking for answers in their life. For those who wants to break limited beliefs. I used to be exactly this. Conservative. Reserved. Stuck with my belief and used to think why everybody is doing what they are doing. But I am a thinker. I think a lot. I question things that doesn’t make sense. Thank God I still believe that God still exist. But what the humans are doing is just not right. Instilling fear in people so that people will follow what you say. But again isn’t that judging?! I told you I am not a saint!

Yes, I am not and I don’t think I will be. In fact, the more spiritual or religious we become, I feel that we are more quick to judge others and make decision for others. Who are we to make decision for others? Who are others to make decision for us? Why can’t one live as per what he or she wants to live? How did this society come together to make rules as to what is okay to do and what is not okay to do? Who makes this decision? And being judged for your decision and talked bad about it. For the fear of society, I think I have stopped myself from doing a lot of crazy stuff in my life. For the fear of family and relatives, I have stopped myself not doing what I want to do. Because of what will one say about me. So that my reputation is not at stake. Because that is not what a good girl from a good family will do. But what is the point of all that? Being good and watching others to do shit to you and roaming around freely as if nothing happened. As if one doesn’t even have a guilt conscience. With all the effort of trying to be good and following what “I should be doing”, what did I get at the end of the day? Nothing much. In fact, I feel like I’m struggling to break away from the chain and release myself from the limiting beliefs. What I have been taught is suitable if I were to live 50 years ago but in today’s generation, it is totally irrelevant. I feel I have been strongly brainwashed from young from what my parents have taught me, the movies have taught me, what the religion has taught me, what the school has taught me and today I realize that it is far from the truth. It is far from reality. Reality sucks! I am not prepared to face the reality.

If I were to born in other part of the world and born as a different race, my belief would be completely different. How I talk, dress up and behave will be totally different. I have been given a name, a religion, a set of rules to follow. If I follow, I am good daughter or citizen. If I don’t follow, I get punished and labelled as bad one. And if you notice, the people who have money and power, they are free to do anything they want. They loot other country, it is fine. The rules and laws of a country are not applicable to them. In fact, I found out that they even pay less tax compared to the mass. They have completely different set of rules. The knowledge of law of attraction was hidden from the mass. Only now everybody is talking about it. Thanks to The Secret book, I have learned about the existence of such law. If not, I would continue to live in limited beliefs and live in scarcity. And look at school. Why did I learned what I learned? Why did I have to study so much and didn’t even use 80% of what I studied in school? I had to go to get university degree to learn something totally irrelevant to what the job market is. I spent years studying and get out and work in an industry that was totally unrelated and incurred debts and doesn’t even know how to manage and get rich. The knowledge on how to be rich is kept secret from the mass. Because they don’t want you to become rich and have power. They want you to be poor forever and continue to beg for help. Who are they? I let you to think. But the people who are in power do exactly what the rules book said you cannot do and escape every punishment. There is something that we don’t know.

I want to start from breaking away from everything that has been told to me. Starting from this is how a girl should be. Or a boy should be. I still cannot accept the fact that I have to suddenly accept and live with a total stranger as a husband and wife but I’m not allowed to even go out with a friend of opposite gender. For the fear of something might happen to me in case if I go. So what if something happens? You will be responsible for it. That’s it! Suddenly the way the westerners approach marriage makes more sense to me. They go out dating and meet a lot of people. The rules is just don’t get pregnant. They stay together and see whether or not they have compatibility for real. After some time, if they still stick together and able to tolerate each other, then they propose to get married. Some might even get pregnant and have kids before actual marriage. In my previous job, I met a client who is in their 50s who wants to get married and they have 3 children together. Whereas for Indians like me, I have to check the horoscope and see whether it matches or not. Some wedding don’t take place because it mentioned that one will lose their life if they proceed with the marriage. Some marriage still fails despite scoring high in the compatibility test. And imagine marrying some unknown man and you don’t even know that the s*x sucks because you have no idea whether it is good or not. And these men go around and sleeps with many women and come back to marry the one innocent girl who doesn’t know anything.

Who came out with such rules? Why the rules differs in every culture? Why do we have to follow these rules? When I watched “OK Kanmani” few years ago, I thought what kind of nonsense they are showing in a movie. It was totally unacceptable at that time. But the thing is whether I like it or not and whether you like it or not, that is the reality! I have had housemates who bring boyfriends back home and do make out sessions. The first time I found out, I freaked out. I thought what the hell is happening here. They were not Hindus. I used to judge them. People around me told me that this is what people do. And I used to feel sick just hearing them. I wasn’t prepared for this. I even had former colleagues who used to tease me just because I choose to remain celibate until marriage. Like something is wrong with me. And if you notice there are more movies on this. Couples stay together without getting married. In fact, marriage proposal happens in a hotel where the boy and the girl stay together. And yet I’m not allowed to go out at night with opposite gender. For the fear of what the society will say. For the fear something “bad” might happen to me. But if something bad happen to me after marriage, then it is my fate. I have to accept it and live with it the rest of my life. All these made me to realize something. The world is changing. If you don’t change, you will be left behind. You cannot survive having limited mindset. You have to be open and accept things whether or not you like it.

This is my realization at the age of 31. I have regrets of not doing things I badly wanted to do because I was trying to follow what is “right” according to society. I’m not allowed to make mistakes and learn from it. But why not? Experience is the greatest teacher. If you don’t fall, how will you stand up? And what is wrong with making mistakes? If you screw up, you are going to face the consequence of your own action! For example, we are taught that alcohol is bad because it makes you addicted to it and you won’t be rational when you are under the influence of alcohol. If you drink too much and do something bad, at the end of the day you will still be answerable for your action.

I have realized that I am not a saint and will not be one. If there is one acting like one, you should run away from that person. We all have dark side that we don’t talk about. But yet we are quick to judge another. Myself included. I think I have come to a point where I don’t want to care about what people think about me and what people want me to do. Because whatever you do, there will always be people who judge you. You can’t stop people from talking. If you think, this is the way you want to live your life, please go ahead. Just be careful not to hurt another person while you are trying to live your life. For example, if you are a gay, don’t go and marry a straight woman and spoil her life. If you are not happy with your married life, then get a divorce and remarry. But don’t lie to yourself and your family, and hurt people around you. Be true to yourself. Do what makes you happy. If you don’t want to get married and prefer living together, then go ahead. Break away from the society’s rules. It is easier to break a relationship rather than marriage. If you don’t want kids, talk with your partner clearly and stick to it. You don’t have to follow what the people around you want you to do. If it makes you miserable, don’t do it! And learn from your mistakes. Because nobody is a saint!

If you haven’t read my previous post which is related to above post, you can read it here: Is it better to marry or not to marry?, Women & Equal Rights : I am not your slave, Day 1 – The Process of Healing, Day 2 – The Process of Healing, Day 109 – The Process of Healing. The amount of self healing work that I have to do on myself is crazy! A lot of sadness and uncertainty and fear have been surrounding me these past years. Thank God at least now I have assurance from the universe that the angels are watching over me. (You can read post related to angel numbers here : Is the universe really speaking to you? The magic of repeated numbers…, Diving into the unknown….the magic of recurring numbers) Probably they are just around me watching me right now. Whatever I do, please ensure that bad people are automatically taken away from me. Please protect me from negative vibes, people who have bad intention. Because sometimes I tend to shrug off my own gut feelings because I want to see people as good.

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