Time to slow down for self reflection

I think at the moment, most of the countries around the world have gone into lockdown or practice movement control among the citizens. We are all trying to save ourselves from the deadly virus. Here, in Malaysia, the government has started movement control order for the citizens in order to protect us. Now already one week has passed since this order has been placed.

The initial stage I was trying so hard to warn or remind whoever in my contact or in social media to stay at home and avoid crowded places because this virus is so deadly and can kill anyone with weak immunity. I forwarded tons of post in a day and felt so frustrated because there are so many people out there who don’t understand a simple instruction or probably refused to follow order for whatever reason they have. Even the educated one refused to follow by saying all kind of reasons.

After a week, I feel tired. I no longer feel the need to scroll the FB newsfeed constantly. I open Instagram, only to close it shortly after because I no longer find anything to be interesting anymore. I feel like loss of appetite to eat. Not wanting to sleep either. I finally started reading a book today. A book about betrayal. About the pain of betrayal if we are the victim and how to look for sign if someone about to betray us. How sometimes we ignore the signs and keep forgiving a person because we ourselves are feeling insecure and how we might try to be a hero by trying to save someone. I just glanced through the book, read about interesting stories mentioned in the book and just tried to absorb some main points as I find it a bit difficult to keep my attention too long on it.

I’m not writing to share what is written in that book. Rather I feel I want to go into self reflection. What is it that I’m thinking. How am I going to survive in the next few months looking at the current situation. What is going to happen to our country and what is going to happen to the world? We are in crisis now. Businesses are going downhill. People are dying. We are literally in a war with virus. The human race is trying to save itself from this deadly virus. Whether this virus is created by human or not, I see this as a way to pay back to mother nature and all those animals we have tortured and killed all these while without mercy.

More and more videos are emerging on social media to show how China’s citizen has mercilessly tortured and killed animals and some are eaten alive. It is so sickening to watch and I feel that these humans deserve the same kind of death. Not only in China, other countries also kill animals mercilessly. Animals living at livestock are also killed mercilessly. They are being killed so that they can be ended up in our plate. We are also part of this cruelty, some of us directly involved and some of us indirectly involved. I feel it is now the time to payback for all our sins. We are living in fear, for fear of death. Just like how these animals were living in fear waiting to be slaughtered.

Even though I want to help to save people from dying, I want to scream to people to stay at home and save yourself, I realized some people are just meant to be outside there. Maybe they are just meant to go through this suffering and if not strong enough, to die. So many warnings have been given out to public, it is like the God of Death is standing in front of you and reminding you to save yourself, otherwise you would lose your life and your loved ones but there are people out there ignoring these signs. Maybe it is supposed to be in this way. It is meant for people to catch this virus. It is meant for humans to lose everything. It is meant for humans to learn from the mistake, a graveyard mistake. Will human realize or they will again continue to ignore this warning? This is not the first time such virus appears. It has always infected humans before. Only thing is now it has come back much stronger to the extent that the entire world is forced to sit at home and quarantine themselves.

I have started practicing gratitude a while back and reminded myself that today could be my last day breathing in this body and that tomorrow I may not be alive. I tell myself to be grateful for what I have today. Sometimes I forget to remind myself about this. Sitting here I feel the surrounding has become quiet. There is not much noise. Only the radio is playing in my living room. And the air noise from the fan hitting directly on my face. I feel the world is slowing down. I feel like I’m back to my school holidays when I’m at home for almost one and half month waking up late and watching cartoons.

I started to miss my office where there were telephones ringing from time to time and the laughter of my colleagues. I started to miss fighting, arguing and laughing with my colleagues. I started to miss going out to meet my customers and talking to them and showing them around and closing a business deal. I started to miss going out and walking in shopping complex and having a good meal. I even started to miss my ex. All the fights and arguments. How if suddenly he dies from this virus? Will I be affected? I just feel like want to end all types of conflicts with everyone and apologize for any wrongdoing whether knowingly or unknowingly. I just don’t want to carry the burden to next life.

All these while I was worrying of finding the right life partner and about marriage. Now it has become insignificant as I’m more focused into surviving and saving myself and loved ones. I believe I have to focus more on having the right thoughts and positive mindset in order to survive. Look into the future. How I see my life. Do I see myself suffering or living a great life? We have always encountered problem in life and we have always somehow managed to come out of it. Help comes out of nowhere in way that we never expect. Let’s be hopeful for tomorrow.

This is a time for self reflection. This is a time to change. This is a time to find where we have been doing wrong and change to be a better person. This is the time to be grateful. Grateful for this time. We have a long time given to us to discover ourselves. A long time to connect with our family. A time to serve the people. A time to determine what is actually important.

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