Born different

Sometimes I feel myself a little weird

I refuse to do what everybody is doing

I feel I have my own path to follow

Yet I look around and worry why am I different

I see everybody getting married

Baby shower everywhere

Travelling everywhere with kids

Everybody seemed very happy

Yet I have this constant fear

Stuck with one person for the rest of my life

Who could be wrong for me in everyway

Wondering if there is the right one

The thoughts of constant argument

Losing freedom and having to bring up a child

Not knowing how the child will grow up

In a world where the future seems dark

Yet I’m hoping for a good future

Yet hoping I will find an answer

For my constant searching

That I will be so sure that this will work

Feels like two different desires

Fighting and arguing with each other

One longing to have own little family

One longing for complete freedom

One looking at others and wants it

Yet aware of all the problems it has face

Another learns from the mistakes of others

And refused to settle down

Yet I am aware I can only choose one

I cannot enjoy both worlds

It’s a struggle to convince the self

I wonder why am I different…

Written by : Puspha Jeyapergasam

16.09.2019

Libra and emotions

I don’t know if there is anyone in this world who are constantly happy all the time. I try to be happy and be present in the moment but hey, it is not that easy. I think best to describe emotions in a graph. Let’s take 30 days in a month. There will be 5 days I’m truly grateful & happy, another 20 days in a state of confusion and another 5 days in sadness. Sometimes I don’t even know what is making me sad and why am I sad. Today I make a decision and tomorrow I question myself if I actually did make a right decision. I don’t know if I’m like this because my horoscope is Libra.

Libra is symbolized with scales. Constantly weighing the pros and cons. Constantly thinking. Making a decision is tough for me. I take such a long time to make a decision about things that I’m unsure about. For example, I wanted to continue my studies. Initially I thought I should take MBA. After that, it went to psychology, corporate communication, journalism, etc. The same goes to marriage. There are days I’m super glad I’m not married. There are days I wish I’m married. There are days that I don’t know what exactly I want anymore. And I realized one thing, no matter what I choose and do, there will be both emotions, happiness and sadness.

My aim is to ensure that I do not stay in sadness for long time. I have to keep working and focus on the things that makes me happy. For example, this blog. I wanted to start writing as a way to express myself. Being an introvert, sometimes I don’t really like crowds and chit chat unnecessary things. I can talk for hours but on topics that I’m interested in. Since I can only vibe with few people, best option for me is writing. Since I think a lot, I can put my thoughts into words. Hope some of my writing resonate with you, my beloved friends.

Writing Services Available

While I was eating fried mee hoon this morning for my morning tea break, suddenly an idea exploded in my head. Why not offer writing services in my blog?

If you have been reading my blog for some time, you would have known by now my style of writing and whether my writing is good or bad and whether my grammar is good, average or bad. I am definitely trying to improve myself everyday and will improve by continuously writing.

So here are the types of services that I would like to offer to my potential clients:

1. Proofreading (English & Malay)

2. Translation (english to malay and vice versa)

3. Resume writing

4. Writing articles (any topic that I’m comfortable with)

5. Thesis writing

6. Official letters (e.g cover letter, job application letter, resignation letter)

7. Short story/poem

8. Anything else related to writing

How much do I charge?

It depends on the difficulty level. The rate can be as cheap as RM10 per task. If you are interested, please send me a message. If you don’t hear from me in 48 hours, please send follow up message as I could overlook your email. Thank you. 😊

Day 109 – The Process of Healing

I just found out that my ex married today. Registered marriage. In less than 4 months of our break up, he is married today. Am I shocked? Yes, I am. I am also a little curious to know whether the girl he married is a swinger or another innocent girl who is going to find out the real truth about him. I wish her good luck.

And here I am choosing the tougher path by choosing to heal myself completely without using another person as a rebound. I heal slowly. It takes time to be completely healed. I am super glad that my relationship was not that deep and it only lasted for a very short period of time. I am glad that I found out his true color before actually marrying him. Wait….maybe he never had the intention of actually marrying me. Maybe he was already in the process of marriage before he was in relationship with me. I do not know for sure. This is an assumption. But how to explain about someone who is able to marry another person within such a short period of time after breaking up? Owhhh I forgot…he is a psycho. He can do anything beyond what the mind can imagine.

You might be thinking why am I writing all these? Will it not jeopardize my future? How if my “future husband” reads this and it affects my relationship in the future? I think I would rather have someone who understands my past and act accordingly than to be secretive about it and worried about my past being found out. Besides who don’t have a past? Everybody has a past story. Some choose to keep it hidden whereas others choose to let it out. In fact, I hope with my writing, I can help someone to heal as well. Maybe there is someone out there who is also suffering in silence and don’t know what to do with their life.

I do not know why I have to go through this shit. Maybe I have done shit to someone else in my past birth. As Hindus, we believe in Karma. Good actions result in good outcome, bad actions results in bad outcome. As the saying goes, “You reap what you sow!” Maybe life is trying to teach me some lessons. Maybe I can write some of the good lessons that I have learnt so far.

1. Don’t trust people easily. Be careful with someone when they are sweet or nice with you.

2. Uncover the mask that a person is wearing first. We all wear mask. We don’t reveal our true self in the beginning of any kind of relationship. Don’t fall for the “fake” mask a person is wearing.

3. Find proof of everything a person is saying. They might be sharing some good deeds they are doing to others. Find out if it is really true.

4. Never ever lower your standard. People tell me I have high standard. That’s why I cannot settle down. If I’m choosy with the type of clothes and shoes I wear and how I want to live my life, shouldn’t I be choosy with the type of life partner I want to spend the rest of my life with? This is the person I have to see face to face day and night and have to go through shit through out life.

5. Trust intuition. I did received strong signal from my guts to run away from this guy two years ago. It was my mistake of unblocking him and contacting him again. I allowed my soft heart to ruin it. When your intuition doesn’t say ok within 2-3 meetings/outings with a person, you should say no. I allowed my intuition to be clouded, therefore now have to suffer the consequences.

Part of me wish that he will rot in hell. I wish to know one day that he is going through bad stuff and he regrets of doing this shit to me. I wish one day he will truly regret and apologizes for what he did to me. And maybe to others as well. I don’t know if he has ever cheated another person. All the story I heard from his was he was good to everybody and everyone around him treated him badly. Only goes to him when they need something.

But a good side of me refuses to curse him and wishing bad things to happen to him. Because of only one reason. “What you sow you shall reap”. I will get the effect of cursing back to myself. Maybe I will also live a miserable life as a result of cursing. I don’t want to live a miserable life. I want to live happily and peacefully. I hope one day I will wake up from my sleep and be glad that all my previous relationships didn’t work out because I was meant to meet this wonderful person. If not, I was meant to be achieving my greatest life purpose without the support of another man in my life. Seriously I do not know what the future holds for me. But the only person who can control my life is ME. The future is in my hands.